Hi, welcome to the next blog in this series.
I’d like to talk about Relationship Difficulties as the next cause of depression, focusing on divorce mainly. This is another one of those big topics which I cannot cover extensively at one go, so there will be a series later on relationships, and how to do them better.
Relationship difficulties can involve any of the following: communication problems, cheating partners, aggression and domestic violence, financial issues, continued unemployment and stress over trying to make ends meet, interference from third parties (including family members), absent spouses or partners and uncaring other halves, family and work balance, and undisciplined children. There are, of course, countless other causes, but these tend to be the most common ones.
I’ve been doing relationship counselling for fifteen years now and while I’ve managed to keep together the majority of couples who come before me, I have been horrified at the toll some of the problems I encounter have taken on the individuals involved. So many clients have described how worn out they feel after continuous relationship issues. One minor fight or argument is easy to deal with and recover from, but a series of disagreements is what allows the rot to set in. If a disagreement is not resolved quickly and amicably, the perception that there is no available solution can result in a sense of helplessness.
This feeling compounds the fatigue that people feel when there is constant strife; I refer to it as “Fight Fatigue”.
Continual disagreements and the resulting emotional fallout causes serious stress, which in turn affects other aspects of our lives: how and what we eat, our sleep patterns, socialising, and our perception of things. Regular highs and lows start to cause downturns in mood, which can easily turn into depression if left unchecked.
Sadly, most people seek help when it is very late, after depression has already taken root. If they had dealt with the original problem, namely the relationship issues, they would most likely not have suffered depression at a later stage. They then find themselves trying to fix two things at once, which is obviously a lot harder to do.
This highlights why it is essential to deal with problems in your life directly and promptly, rather than waiting around hoping that things will get better on their own, miraculously. That may happen in Hollywood movies, but in real life, it seldom works that way.
The bottom line is that you need to take positive action to make a change in your life.
Asha
This perception causes an increase in adrenaline and cortisol, the primary stress hormone in your body, which in turn increases heart rate and blood pressure. Once the threat passes, these functions return to normal, so if you manage to get through that week and actually submit your project, you will return to normal. But it is a repeat of these stressors that causes worry and anxiety. So we can deal with one or two stressful events, and we will recover from them, but it is when these events are continuous, or repeated, that we may be in a spot of trouble.
This is a big topic, and a very serious one. I have witnessed too many times how excessive alcohol intake has ruined lives and broken families, violated trust and undone many of the good things that people have achieved in their lives.
At the same time, the levels of serotonin in your body are negatively affected, so you have less of it, and you’re not going to feel happy, and when your levels of happiness drops, you can easily enter a low-mood state, followed by depression. It can start off as mild depression, but the worse you feel, the worse your depression may become and before you know it, you’re flirting with moderate to severe depression.
Physiologically, you will have the dreaded symptoms of a hangover, which is caused essentially by your liver trying to process the chemical ethanol in your system. Yes, once you take away the pretty colours and nice taste and cool presentation of a drink, you're left with a toxic chemical called ethanol, and your system will not thank you for it. You will feel sick, nauseous, dizzy and very out of sorts. Dehydration will make you feel worse, and there is no cure for this but time. You simply have to allow your system the time to expel the alcohol and re-balance itself.
So here's a suggestion: instead of spending your money in the pub, seek out a counsellor in your area and buy a few sessions instead!
Asha
Just finding the motivation to get motivated can be pretty daunting, and this is where you can do certain things to improve your situation.
I call this positivity mining: you achieve that first small success and you use it to build towards the next step.
If this is you, you need to understand the following: you may be low on resources, but this doesn’t mean you don't have any. You may be low on motivation, but it doesn’t mean you don't have any. It just means that you have to dig deeper to pull out these characteristics out of yourself, and you can do it.
This, only you can do.
As always, thanks for reading, and bye for now,
Asha
Whether it is a hobby club, dance club, gym, debating society, rock choir - whatever - take the step of trying it out, at least once, and see how you get on.
Keep it legal, but start small and work up to bigger activities, more intense ones. That couch is not going to make you feel better. Inactivity will not relieve your symptoms. Staying indoors will not bring that special friendship into your life. And don't just do it once and say “I’m too tired, I’m giving up” - do it again and again, until you feel your mood lift.
Asha
Second: put into words what feelings these things evoke. For instance, if your relationship difficulties make you feel frustrated, write that down. If your parent being ill brings about feelings of sadness and helplessness, even panic at a possible death, write it down; if your dog disappearing makes you feel heartbroken, write it down.
A point to note: ageing parents are a problem for many people in our world today, and for different reasons. I have worked with clients over the years that have felt resentful at having to care for older relatives, especially ones who become very cranky and demanding - and who, perhaps, were not very good carers themselves back in the day. It’s not easy.
Asha
Please remember that: one small step at a time - no matter how obvious each one seems.
Usually, by the time you’ve reached step 5 or 6, you will no longer think in terms of steps; you will simply finish the rest of the task as you usually do.
Take care and until next time, bye.
Thank you for reading, and please try this and other methods I will be giving you a try -- and let me know how you get on. If I can help ONE person, that is good enough for me. More than one is a definite bonus!
Asha
The Clock Method is something I use regularly with clients who are suffering from anxiety and depression. One of my former clients helpfully referred to it as the brain dump method, but I use the word clock so that the user does NOT forget that this is a time-controlled process - and that time control is very important.
Make sure you will not be disturbed while you are trying out this method, because if something or someone interrupts you, you will have to start over again.
The day after, if you need to vent those negative feelings again, head for your quiet spot - but this time stay there for only 20 minutes.
Each time you repeat this exercise you take off 5 minutes. What happens if you eventually count down all the way to zero?I don't know - because none of my clients ever went below 10 minutes! That's how effective this method can be!
It's important that you bring the time down each time you use the method, and if you have reached, say, 15 minutes and find that your brain just does not want to think these negative thoughts any more, then stop, and go do your positive thing. You must still do that positive thing because it is a reward, for you having endured a period of directed and total negativity.
You’re giving yourself permission to be negative, even for a short while, and so you don't have to feel pressure or guilt at feeling what you are feeling.
Asha